I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
