How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
