i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
