A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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