Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
there is puke in my bra ... again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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