sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
