I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
