No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
