Define "chronic" masturbator.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
