After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
