she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
