He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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