I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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