I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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