Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
