If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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