then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
