And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize