I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
