dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
