Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He kissed a someone with a penis
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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