How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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