I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
