The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
