So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
did i just pee glitter
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
