Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
