I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
