Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
