how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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