It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
