my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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