I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
