I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The best revenge is premature balding
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You need Xanax blowdarts
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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