Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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