smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
