mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
