Fine. I'll sleep in my office
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
