If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
