I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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