If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
