Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
