And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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