all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
