I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize
