I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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