it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You are the jesus of drinking
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
