So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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