How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
