yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They took my balls.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
