So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
