A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
