Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
