she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
