be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
