ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
