I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
