Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
